My baby boy turned 1 year old today! This little man is so completely precious to me and is truly a gift from God and an answer to prayers.
My husband and I wanted a second baby and had been trying for a couple of years without success. Of course this was frustrating and I knew something was wrong, but because we had been blessed with our oldest as a surprise, I didn’t really think anything could be wrong. I remember thinking “Why, God? We have been faithfully praying. We’ve been trying for a long time. You know our plans, why aren’t you answering? Did I do something wrong and I’m being punished?” Of course, it took me until the end of those two years of waiting and wondering to learn my lesson.
Those two long years I had my priorities in the wrong place. I wanted what I wanted and if I didn’t get it then something was “obviously wrong.” I questioned God’s judgment and whether he truly answered prayers and I thought that somehow it was all my fault. This hurt my relationship with God and with my husband.
As those years went by, I started to pray harder and look for answers. First, I recounted the stories in the Bible where God made women barren for some reason like Rachel, because of her hatred towards her sister Leah (Genesis 29:31, Genesis 30:1.) Was I hateful? Surely I was a bit envious of those who boasted about getting pregnant as soon as they started trying, but was that really enough for the Lord to not answer my prayer?
Was I hateful?
I was starting to become bitter and knew I needed to watch it, so I began to think that maybe I was praying wrong. Maybe I needed to pray harder like Hannah in Samuel 1:10. That didn’t work either.
Over time, it became clearer to me that the stress of all these thoughts going through my head was not helping anything. I started getting my heart right with God. While it was (and is) still difficult to watch so many others announce their pregnancies knowing it is not that easy for me, seeing them complain over every little thing in their pregnancies (every little thing that I would HAPPILY endure for another baby), and the boasting about how easy it is to get pregnant, I realized that I need to be happy for them because that is how God wanted it to be.
I was reminded of one of my favorite verses, James 5:16, where it says, “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” I talked to my husband about the feelings I was having of envy towards others. We prayed about it and I got right with God. We started praying again for another baby trusting that everything on my end was fixed. But God still did not answer; or so I thought.
Finally, I caved. I went into the doctor and had them check to see what was wrong with my body that I could not get pregnant. This was a trial that I had never expected to face–the thought literally never even crossed my mind. We discovered that I have Lean PCOS, a condition that is actually pretty common and can at times be easily treated with medication. The doctor prescribed something he felt should help, something that helps most to get pregnant with a month or two, so I was hopeful. During this time, however, we stopped praying as fervently as before. I realized that I had started to trust more in the doctor and in the medicine than in the Lord.
As I realized this, I knew it was again time to get my heart right. I can take as much medicine as I want to, but God still has to allow it to work and He hadn’t. I was frustrated and exhausted, and on the verge of giving up altogether (and this was just after a couple of years–I have many friends who have struggled much longer. WHO AM I that I should complain of a couple years of infertility?!)
That’s when it happened. I decided to let it go. Let go of my trying–let go of my trust in the medicine–let go of my thinking God’s only answer was “yes.” Finally I felt peace. FINALLY, I understood. God wasn’t ignoring my prayers. God WAS answering.
God ALWAYS answers prayers. If you ask someone a question, they have multiple answers they can give, right? Well, that is how it is with God. God’s choice to not give us another baby was not Him choosing not to answer. That WAS His answer. God answered “no.” Well, in our case, God answered “be patient.”
God gives three answers: “yes”, “no” and “be patient.” God also has a reason for each answer He gives. In the Scriptures, God answered “yes” to Isaac when he prayed for his wife Rebekah to conceive (Genesis 25:21) and He answered “yes” to Hannah and to Elisabeth (Luke 1:13) because it was in his plan. God answers “no” sometimes (we may not understand in our limited knowledge, but God knows the whole picture and “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28.) Often, God’s answer is “wait.” His timing is perfect. God told Sarah (Sarai) to wait…she was NINETY when she became pregnant (Genesis 21:1-3)! GOD HAS A PERFECT PLAN!
In my case, God had so much to teach me first. He wanted me to see my selfishness and bitterness and get right with Him. He wanted me to learn that His will is done and He is greater than medicine. He wanted us to be in a better, more stable situation first (a stable job and finances, a house of our own, less stressful home….) He knew some of the trials we would face and that the timing would not be right. He wanted us to see HIS goodness and HIS power. He wanted us to remember Jesus’ prayer “Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine be done” (Luke 22:42.) Now, Jesus was praying that he might not need to face the affliction of the cross, but heed His response to his trial, “Not my will, but thine.” I was praying for MY will and waiting for God to answer what I wanted to hear when I should have been praying for HIS will to be done.
Not my will, but thine be done.
The fourth month of taking my medication, the Lord saw fit for it to work! He blessed me with my beautiful baby boy. We had an eventful pregnancy and he came a little early, but the Lord protected him! Today we are celebrating his FIRST birthday! I don’t think he will ever fully understand the joy he brings us. Today we are not only giving thanks for our baby boy, but also for God’s goodness, His teaching us patience and giving us another child when the time was right, and His allowing us to get through all the trials the pregnancy brought about. Each time I look at my youngest, I am reminded that God is good all the time. God answers prayers. He ALWAYS answers prayers and I need to trust in HIM and in His perfect timing.
I really needed this reminder today–my heart is full and my soul is at peace. Were you encouraged? Share your story in the comments below.
Happy 1st Birthday Goo Bear!